Learning to Set Boundaries Without Losing Friends: What a Hard Conversation Taught Me
#68 From people pleasing to self-protection — and the realization that boundaries should protect love, not separate it.
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Now jumping into today’s blog:
The People-Pleaser in Me
Do you know that feeling of being a pushover?
Being the kind of person who just can’t say “no” whenever someone asks for help — a classic people pleaser.
When I was younger, I literally put so much effort into making people like me that I would do wild things. I painted over my own boundaries with playful kindness, just to please others (sometimes even strangers), because it gave me a sense of self-worth.
In hindsight, it was a great way to live for others — while forgetting who I wanted to be for myself.
Learning to Protect My Energy
Luckily, I learned how to break free from being an “all-you-can-eat buffet” of giving and people-pleasing. It took me a year abroad to finally live for myself, many coaching sessions, and eight more years in Vietnam building a business to learn how to distribute my energy carefully — so I wouldn’t burn out.
Even though I’m still on my self-improvement journey, I genuinely believe that shifting from quantity to quality has been a game changer — and one of the main reasons why I #yeudoi.
A Call That Made Me Reflect
Last week, a friend in Vietnam called me to ask for advice about challenges at work and in life. I’ve known her for eight years now — basically since I first moved here. Over time, we often had deep conversations and slowly built a mentor–mentee relationship, where I shared my insights as someone who grew up between cultures.
According to her, my positive outlook on life — and the fact that I started to listen to myself more and follow my purpose — inspired her to live her life to the fullest.
Over the years, I noticed how much she had grown. She began doing more of the things she genuinely enjoyed. Our update calls became shorter and less frequent — a good sign, since she seemed to be navigating her life beautifully.
That’s why I was so shocked when I talked to her a week ago. She seemed… different. The confident person who used to face challenges head-on suddenly felt a little insecure.
When Advice Turns Into Disagreement
After she shared her story, I truly felt for her. Knowing her as one of the kindest and most genuine souls I’ve ever met, I thought she might be hurting herself by not setting clear boundaries.
When she asked for my thoughts, I told her how important boundaries had become in my life. I explained the idea of energy management — and why I’ve learned to be more careful with where and how I spend my energy.
I gave her a lot of advice based on my own experience, and she seemed surprised when I said she might have forgotten to live for herself, too.
Our two-hour conversation ended warmly. She texted afterward to thank me for my input and said she was grateful that I had helped her see some of her blind spots.
But the next day, she messaged again — this time to tell me that I was completely wrong.
She said I had poisoned her with my negative ideas.
She told me I had become much more negative than three years ago, when we last met, and that maybe I needed a coach to check on my own wellbeing.
The Moment I Started to Close Off
At first, I was shocked — not by what she said about me, but by how differently she now saw the world. It made me sad to realize that she no longer agreed with my worldview. I was scared she would put herself last again and forget to live for herself.
I did agree with her on one thing, though: I have changed. I’ve become more careful with my energy and built boundaries to protect myself from things that no longer align with my values.
About thirty minutes later, my emotions shifted from worry to self-protection. I started thinking that maybe we had both changed too much — that our values no longer aligned — and I might have to accept that our friendship could end here.
So I thanked her for her honesty and said I would reflect on what she told me. I also shared that she was the only one who truly understood what was going on in her life, and that perhaps our values had simply evolved differently — making us less compatible than before.
The Question That Changed Everything
Her reply made me reflect even deeper. She was still respectful and kind. She even said she still saw me as her hero — the one who “saved” her eight years ago and helped her find her path.
After reading that, I was confused. Only when I shared the story with my sister did reality finally hit me.
My sister asked me one simple question:
“What values do you think both of you have in common?”
That was the moment I realized — we didn’t have different values.
We both valued kindness — we just expressed it differently.
I was wrong to assume that her choices were self-harming. Maybe her goals or her purpose required her to make certain moves I didn’t fully understand.
It reminded me of one of my favorite quotes:
“People only saw the decision I made, not the choices I had.”
I had misinterpreted her actions and was ready to put our friendship on ice — a bad move, triggered by a lack of empathy and an assumption that her actions reflected different values.
#mydailylearning
This encounter reminded me once again to be more careful — to ask more questions instead of assuming people’s values.
Even if I believe 110% in setting boundaries and including myself in the equation of kindness, I need to stay patient — and make sure that my boundaries don’t build walls of separation based on fear.
They should remain tools to protect love. 💛
Thanks supporting Son of a Viet Kieu. If you want to check out other blogs, here are my favorites!
I Did It. I Wrote My First Book. (➡️ E-Book here)
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Keep staying awesome! #yeudoi